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[personal profile] wanderinspirits

Title: Masks

Chapter: 1/?

Series: Jericho

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Tragedy/Romance

Pairing: JakexHeather

Plot: Heather is seriously wounded when two New Bern residents attack her in her apartment one night and leave her for dead. She begins to tell herself about her life and how she isn't the person people think that she is. CHARACTER DEATH!

Spoilers: Seasons 1 and parts of 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. All I own is a clarinet and a closet full of manga. If I did I would have it so Jake and Heather got together.

AN: This is a look at an emotionally fragile Heather. Sorry if you don't like stories like this but I always felt that while Heather was a good person she had sadness to her especially in the season 2 episodes. I hope everyone likes this. Lately I've just been having horrible days and I wrote this in an attempt to deal with them. I hope that someone likes this even with its extremely depressing tone. I know that I suck at this kind of writing and if it's that bad then I'll just take it off.

If anyone would want me to write another or even a companion piece feel free to let me know.

This is also my first character death story.

The song used in this fic is called Komm, Susser Tod and it is from End of Evangelion.

Also UnBETAed fanfic. Sorry.

Opened Eyes and Wishes

I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought I could
live for no one else

"You little- this is your fault!"

I was slammed into the hard wooden floor almost instantly before the dark figure that was in front of me could add anything else to his shouts. As I attempted to move another figure from my left side kicked me in the ribs and added a few cuss words to the mix. As his foot hit me I screamed out loud in pain. Then they began to take turns cussing at me and placing physical harm upon me. I couldn't tell you who they were in the darkness. I couldn't even take a guess at who it might have been because of the venom in their voices. As I lied upon the floor trying to get up the punches and kicks became worse.

I could taste blood in my mouth after getting punched in the jaw.

My vision became blurry.

I could feel the bruises beginning to form as they punched and kicked at me.

The pain that was moments ago unbearable became nothing but a numb feeling as I attempted to do something to stop them. As they watched me they snickered and left me to what devices I had as they took turns destroying the place that was my home. Books were shredded, plates broken, and everything in between.

I managed to get up at that that moment I was completely unsure of what I should do at that point. For a moment I stood (or rather slumped) there and watched them further. As they then began ripping old pictures that I had hidden away I shouted out.

I don't remember what happened next besides hearing the sound of the gunshot and slumping to the floor. I felt the warmth that came from my blood and felt the pain that was now radiating from my stomach. I then watched the intruders walk towards me in horror. For the first time in my life I was truly scared for myself and not for another. I knew that I was being selfish but I didn't even care at the time. As they spat at me and simply walked out the apartment I sat there and internally cursed at myself for everything.

I struggled to stand moments after their departure. But I kept stopping at the thought of what I was told moments after I had arrived home from a long day.

"This is your fault."

But now through all the hurt and pain
Its time for me to respect
the ones you love
mean more than anything
So with sadness in my heart
I feel the best thing I could do
is end it all
and leave forever

That was my entire life's story. Everything was always my fault.

It began when my mother who was a very weak and sickly person died hours after I was born, it spread to my father who had to both mourn his wife and raise a child who he never wanted, and after years of trouble it would end with me causing pain to the two "homes" that I have or at least "had." I also in the process hurt Stanley, Mimi, Bonnie, Mrs Green, Mayor Green, Ted, Emily, Jake, and damn near everyone else that I've ever known.

I then began to cry as I whispered "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

As I heard shouts coming from below I shut my eyes and felt the tears begin to pour out of me. I was crying for all the times that I had tried to remain strong. That reason to stay strong was for a long time what kept me going. I thought that if I kept a strong front and smiled then I could make up for causing all the pain and trouble that I had caused in my life. I thought that it could make everyone happier and that in time I would be happy with them.

I remember the few times that I even thought that I had done something right but I still wasn't happy because I couldn't really show it. I felt as if I was always being watched by others because of that "bright and optimistic nature" of mine.

As I heard Bill's voice point out that my door had been open I shut my eyes.

However that 'mask' became everything that I was. It over time the past few months harder to maintain that it should have been. When I had met Jake I knew right away that he was like me. We were both wearing masks.

Over the weeks I realized that I at least truly liked him. I liked him a lot and when I heard that he was going to Rogue River to help his dad I for a moment removed that cover and without any thought on how he might feel about it kissed him. When he had begun kissing back I felt a tinge of hope about my own self and I think that he may have felt the same. As I felt his hands upon my back at that moment I realized that no one had ever needed me like that before.

While I enjoyed it..I was frightened.

When we broke the kiss I threw that mask on again and ran away without another word.

He ran away too which explains why the month after I caught him and Emily together. When I saw them I was scared and hurt so once again I ran once again.

What's done is done, it feels so bad
what once was happy now is sad
I'll never love again
my world is ending

I wasn't exactly lying over wanting to go to New Bern to help out both towns. I did or at least a part of me did. After being the way I was for so long it was extremely natural to make decisions like that. But deep down I wanted to escape him. I wanted to run. I was hurt both from my own hand and his. For a few moments as I stood in the snow talking to Ted back then I wanted to blame Emily too.

She was the one person who knew my real nature and the only other one that knew how I felt about Jake.

She had Roger-and she claimed to have hated Jake.

It figured especially after those stories that everyone had told me. They were childhood sweethearts and it was only natural that they would be together until the end. I then began to become less active in the town's operation and became a 'background person.'

It hurt too much to be around them like that.

When I went over to Jake I struggled to make the words I wanted to say known. My stomach tied itself into knots and I felt my mouth go dry. Moments after I then blurted out most of what I wanted to say but I didn't quite finish my statement which included that I wasn't going to come back.

For a moment his face was expressionless but after staring at him he began to drop his guard. He looked hurt and confused. I then couldn't say what I was going to say and without thinking and listening to my heart told him that I would be back in a few days.

He then looked at me and I in turn looked at him and we to the outsiders around us ended our conversation in a tight hug. But looking back on that time I could only wish that I could have done things differently. Especially when I had lied to Jake so many times about how I felt that day in both looks and words.

I wish that I could turn back time
cos now the guilt is all mine
can't live without the trust from the ones you love.
I know we can't forget the past
you can't forget love and pride
because of that its killing me inside

When I had come back to Jericho after living in what felt like hell for the past few months I was hurt to see that everyone changed and that I was no longer trusted because of my ties to New Bern. Everything felt different to me but then again I had changed. I no longer had that mask that made me happy and strong. It had been destroyed in New Bern by what I saw on the first day.

I was now showing who I truly was. That was of course a fragile and weak woman.

But no one noticed because no one wanted to care.

To most of them I was a parasite and even lower than dirt just because of something that I couldn't control. When I first came back I usually ended up crying myself to sleep and waking up just an hour or two later. Everything just served to hurt me. The greetings I got from what few 'friends' I had left made my heart want to shatter and the stares I got from the others made my body ache. The more and more I encountered those things the more restless and anxious I became.

It felt as if everything I had known had come crashing down around me and into ruins.

When I began to work again I learned that I could at least focus the anxiety into something productive and would work until I was too tired to care and for a few weeks I was as fine as I could be living like that.

Then I encountered Jake Green once again.

It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down,
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down,
in my heart of hearts,
I know that I called never love again
I've lost everything
that matters to me,
matter in this world

I felt alone when I saw his eyes because right away I knew that he had lost his mask and was showing me his true self. He looked strong and while he was unsure of his abilities able to keep going. He wasn't like me. We aren't even close to being somewhat alike. Despite knowing this I felt myself warming up to his new self and managed to smile back. He began to talk to me moments later but I just couldn't bring myself to listen.

If I was ever asked about when I could say that I truly fell in love with Jake I think it would have been then. I think it was because he was so strong compared to me. He was now the person that I tried to make myself into.

I was still alone but this fact gave me hope. Hope that I desperately needed.

That was when I felt someone's cold eyes looking at the two of us.

I turned around and somehow found a way to excuse myself and ever since then I've kept my distance from Jake. That was because I knew for a fact that he had Emily and that things weren't going to be alright for me in the end.

But I did promise myself that I would try to keep living and going forward.

I wish that I could turn back time
cos now all the guilt is mine
cant live without
the trust from those you love
I know we can't forget the past
you can't forget love and pride
because of that, its killing me inside

Now the voices are getting louder and I can tell that at least a couple more people are coming. My body no longer hurts and my vision is even more blurry than it was before. My clothes feel both wet and sticky. I feel like falling asleep and it's at this point that I'm positive that I'm going to die. As people come into my apartment I can only note that I can't hear any voices calling me into the light and nor could I see that said light.

I hear people calling out for someone seconds later but I couldn't focus on my surroundings long enough to say who it was.

"I'm sorry-"

After a few minutes I became aware of a figure above me. I attempted to ask it questions but every time I tried he silenced me. The voice was familiar and it sounded both worried and sad which in turn worried me. I didn't want him to see me like this. When they managed to turn the lights on I saw that it was Jake. Once again he comes to the rescue to help someone like me-

As he looked at the floor in worry he then quietly asked me "Heather? What happened to you?"

When I didn't answer he joked "Was it those giant ants?"

I couldn't help but smile a little at the joke as I was then put onto a gurney and escorted into an ambulance which had pulled up minutes before. When the driver began to drive away he was stopped by Jake who then climbed into the back with me. The drive there which only took a few minutes felt like hours and it was strangely silent. He looked hopeless and upset and when I asked him why he simply shook his head and told me not to worry.

As we arrived at the medical center I was separated from Jake and put into the E.R and into surgery.

It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down
It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down

At 3:35 a.m. Heather Lisinski died in the ER from blood loss.



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